2 Samuel 22: 3, “The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence.”
(I hesitate to write this–I tremble to write this–but I have been asked about my life. I am not important. What has happened to me, things I have experienced, lived through, are not important. Only my God is important. My life is only important in what it reveals about my God. He has taken me from the Arminian legalistic, works based form of Christianity of my childhood and young adulthood to understanding what true Christianity is all about. Because I now understand the Cross, I now understand His grace; understanding His grace lets me understand His holy wrath and His love. Understanding this changed my life.
God alone is all–He alone is everything. He alone is worthy of all praise, all love, all worship, all devotion, all obedience…He alone!)
The last few years have been hard for my family. We’ve suffered job losses, miscarriages of very wanted babies, rebellion of two older children (one whom has turned against God and the other who, through the influence of confessing Christians, embraced carnal Christianity); we’ve lived through illnesses and poverty; endured rejection by friends over lies told (some by these two children) and believed; we’ve been through multiple moves and changes…still our faith endures…not only endures but has grown and deepened.
Life is hard. If it isn’t hard for you now, wait; it will be. Many years ago, I read that everyone is either going into a trial, are presently in a trial or are coming out of a trial. At the time that seemed overly pessimistic. I’m not so sure now. Looking back over my life (and the lives of many whom I know), it would seem to be true.
My life has been far from perfect from strictly a human standpoint; to the above list I could add many things: my father was a schizophrenic abusive alcoholic, my mother suffered from clinical depression and was bi-polar in her later years. My earliest years were spent on the run from my father (not always–sometimes–for short periods–he was good, but it never lasted). When I was five, we settled in my mother’s hometown. I never saw my father again. Two years later I was diagnosed with severe allergies. Throughout my childhood (starting with my babyhood), I suffered many bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia (I am always amazed when I meet someone who has never had either–I am so very used to them). I came close to dying many times and the doctors told my mother I would never live long enough to grow up.
In school (through junior high), I was the class patsy. My school years are a blur of mocking and derisive laughter (the weakest, sickest frequently suffer these things). It only got better when we moved and I went to a different school. I made it through high school and into a Christian college…where I learned that God understood many things that I hadn’t realized that He understood…and so, embracing this new understanding of God, I fell away from Him…and sinned against Him. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to know it. However, He, in His mercy, lead me to repentance and furthered my knowledge of Him.
The final year of college, I fell in love with the man I was to marry. He was a microbiologist at the time…and an Anglican whereas I was a church of Christ: never the twain shall meet. We married…and I immediately became an outcast in my church. You just didn’t do what I had done (marry an outsider). They let me know it. We were not welcomed in their small groups. I was not welcomed when I tried to attend ladies classes. My subsequent children weren’t welcomed. I had sinned against them…and that was all.
The problems were multiplied by my mother…who was wonderful when herself but when she wasn’t, it was if a hurricane had hit town with one designated spot: me. She truly loved the idea of God (and I so hope she repented) but she never learned how to apply the Word, she never seemed to really know Him. Her life had been hard (she had lived through the Great Depression, the loss of twin sons, the adultery of her first husband and the subsequent divorce from same, an abusive marriage to my father, cancer twice as well as multiple financial, health and family problems). Starting when I was nine years old, her moods had begun to swing wildly. I never knew when I would wake up which Mom was going to be there: mine or someone who seemed to hate me and told me (and family and friends) repeatedly how much I hated her. Nothing I could do or say could change that. I always thought that, one day, she would see…she would know…how very, very much I loved her. It never happened (the last conversation that I had with her–two days before she died–consisted of her yelling at me and letting me know…again…how very much I had failed as her daughter). After my marriage, she began to spread lies (which, at first, I wasn’t aware of) about me. For a time, she turned my best friend against me. She let it be known in the congregation that we attended that I stole from her and mistreated her…neither was true but that didn’t stop the people from believing it (even though these were different congregations from the one I had attended when I married–they were still unhappy that I had married outside of our group). If I tried to speak up for myself at all, it was made clear to me that they believed my mother (the “sweetest Christian lady” they knew). More than once I was told, “I just don’t see how you can live with yourself, the way you treat your poor, sweet mother. She is the dearest Christian lady that I know.”
Finally we changed congregations, only to have her follow and have it happen again. Again, we changed. Again, de ja vu. Once more, same thing. Finally we went to a congregation that she had no desire to follow us to…only to find out some time later that the congregation had REAL problems. So, we left. And…the preacher got up and preached against my family and said that, since we had left them and had gone to a congregation that they didn’t approve of, we were all now doomed to go to hell. A rather stunned friend, who sat through the “sermon,” told us all about it.
My mom hadn’t taught me to cook or clean or how to organize or shop. Due to her illness, and my illness, and the circumstances of our lives, she had neither the time, energy nor the inclination to do so. I knew nothing about being a wife or a mother when I married. I was sinking. At times, I would seek to find an “older woman” to teach me, guide me. The excuses that I got about why they couldn’t take the time to do so ranged from “I’m busy with my own family” to “You wouldn’t be having these problems if you treated your mother better–so no” to “I’m tired. I’ve taught Sunday School for years. It someone else’s turn to serve.” What I learned, I learned from books.
By the time my mom died (in 1993), she had turned so many people against me that I can’t even count them all. One of them (and only one), came to me after her death and told me how sorry she was for ever believing the lies that my mother had told her about me. She had learned first hand how my mom was and much it hurt, for my mom had turned against her, too (even though she was very, very good to my mother and helped her out in many ways), and spread lies on her, so, finally, by experience, she knew.
For most of my marriage, my husband and I have experienced pretty severe financial problems (we have a large family and, for a long time, we were helping to care for my mom financially; once behind it was hard to get caught up). We don’t have much, really. Our car is old, our van is old and sometimes simply chooses not to work. We shop at thrift stores and yard sales not simply because I see the value in it (which I do) but because there simply isn’t a choice.
I still struggle physically with multiple health problems (among them: repeated bouts of both bronchitis and pneumonia, chronic fatigue, nerve and muscle problems in my neck and back due to an accident between me–and my very little car–and a rather large truck, a semi, actually–when I was 18; I’ve had five miscarriages, chronic bouts of depression through my mid-30′s, as well as daily headaches, hypoglycemia, hypothyroidism and so on). My husband also has health issues (including diabetes and high blood pressure).
So, that’s it. Is God in this? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. God has brought me through a life filled with difficulty (at least in the eyes of most Americans) by guiding me with His grace. He has brought me from a legalistic, works-based view of His Word to a true, deep knowledge and longing for Him. Could He have done it without the problems I’ve lived through? Certainly, He could have. But, He chose to have me go through these things for a reason. I don’t always understand it all but, since He has guided me in and through this, I wouldn’t change it even if I could. By bringing me through the fire–and walking in it with me–He has taught me to have absolute, unwavering trust in Him. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
My life isn’t perfect but I serve a perfect God. He is the One and Only One that I need. I love my husband and I love my children (even the two who have rejected us–and by words and deeds–have tried to hurt us) but God is all that I truly need. If I lost everyone, I could be content in Him. I know this to be true for I have experienced rejection over and over in my life: my father, my mother, my children, friends, the church…those who should have loved me haven’t always done so…yet, God has. In their lack of dependability, God’s absolute dependability has shown forth ever more greatly. He has taught me to be satisfied in Him and in Him alone.
My life hasn’t been easy but it hasn’t been nearly as hard as it could have been. I am blessed beyond measure. We don’t have much stuff…but we have more than we truly need. Stuff doesn’t matter anyway. Only God does. I have seen the unfaithfulness of men’s hearts first hand. I, too, have been unfaithful at times to others. God has never been unfaithful to me. He will never be unfaithful. He can’t deny Himself. Recently God has allowed us to move back home and has blessed me (and my husband) immeasurably with the love of friends and family…even in the midst of the rejection by a son and a daughter. They hurt us, yes, but, God’s love heals. Their rejection of us is nothing in light of my rejection of God. I wouldn’t know this if I hadn’t experienced it. Because God has left the door open for us to return to Him when we have sinned against Him, so we, too, leave the door open for our son, our daughter, the brother, the sister, to return. Of our nine, seven remain faithful to us and, much more importantly, to God. The eldest is even studying to preach. God, as always, is good and worthy to be praised.
I have learned that troubles are a blessing if we have the right attitude; that though others may forsake us, God never will; that God’s Word is true and meant to be believed and obeyed; that when we show love to others, we are showing love to God; that the things we want, we don’t need; that the things that we think we need, we probably don’t; that God is absolutely all that matters; that to love and obey God, we must forgive those who sin against us–no matter how painful the experience. This is important: no one can ever do anything against us that even comes close to the things we have done against God. Our sins against our Lord will always be worse than any sins done against us. I am the most wretched of sinners for, at times, I have willingly ignored my God and, at times, I have willingly served self rather than serving Him. My sins are great. My God is greater still.
The only thing that matters is God. Time spent with Him are the most important hours in our day. Any time not spent serving Him is time wasted. We are to glory in knowing Him, in understanding Him. We are to glory in the Cross. If we take our eyes off of this world, what we want, what we think we need, and put them only on Him and seek Him–then we will learn this. God has worked to take my eyes off of this world and place them only on Him. For this, I will praise Him forever.
Psalms 30: 12, “To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.”
Soli Deo gloria!
